So you’re tired of feeling unhappy and not knowing why. Maybe you’ve been working through some internal stigma around therapy and as the world has started to talk more openly about mental health, you’re feeling ready to try it out. “Something has got to change,” you might think to yourself.
I get a lot of therapy newcomers in my private practice. Especially for Asian-Americans and children of immigrants, there is a long tradition of aversion to therapy. “That’s only for crazy people,” we’ve been told over and over, or maybe “It’s not that bad”. “Just deal with it” is another common message. Explicitly and implicitly, we’re taught to not talk about feelings at all.
Many older generations didn’t have the luxury of worrying about mental health. A lot of them were too busy just trying to survive instead. If they could feed their kids, clothe them, and keep a roof over their heads, they were doing a good enough job. The field of psychology and mental health the way we talk about it today is a relatively modern development.
However, when we haven’t had role models to pave the way before us, we can often feel confused and lost about what’s going on inside of us. Many clients feel overwhelmed by their emotions, saying things like “I don’t know why I can’t just stop” and “I don’t know why I reacted that way.”
If you are beginning your self-growth journey, I would like to assure you that our emotions do make sense, but they are just in a different language. There is a whole system that you haven’t learned yet that comes with explanations for how things happen and why. Oftentimes our parents didn’t speak this language either, so we didn’t have anybody to teach us.
I hope to flesh out this system for my readers so that you can start to better understand yourself and your experience. Without first understanding what is going on, attempts to change may be misguided or unsustainable. The more familiarity and practice you have with this language, the more it will make sense.
As a first step, I’m going to start by defining some therapy jargon you might have come across before. This is how I understand these words, and how I’ll be using them moving forward:
Modality: The type of therapy that a clinician practices. Acronyms are common, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), two of my main influences. Modality can also indicate who they see, like individual therapy instead of seeing families, couples, or groups.
Making space: To take undistracted time to focus on your feelings instead of avoiding, denying, or downplaying them.
Holding space for: To set aside your own feelings/needs temporarily to help another person make space for their own feelings. Think about people in your life who are good listeners - I’m guessing they don’t insert too many of their own opinions, change the subject to themselves, or try to problem-solve your issues.
To be seen: The experience of being deeply understood and accepted.
Processing: The act of exploring, experiencing, identifying, and understanding your emotions. This can happen internally in your thoughts, through talking, journaling, and also in our bodies. This often happens after you’re able to make space for whatever is going on.
Doing your work: Working on yourself. “I am working” has connotations around money, so it’s meant more in the sense of “I am working on ______”. Also, we call it work because it IS work! In the same way you might feel fatigued and sore after a physical workout, working on yourself can also cause emotional and mental fatigue.
Self-regulation: In the therapy context, this refers to the process by which we calm down. We have tons of regulating processes, such as sweating when we get hot and sleeping when we get tired. When we are stressed out, there are a lot of biological mechanisms that kick in and cause physical changes as well (more on this in a later post). Our minds and bodies are connected, so being able to regulate yourself emotionally means being able to manage your emotions, often through physical techniques. When a person is well regulated, usually they can think clearly, speak calmly, and not get overtaken by their emotions. The opposite is when we are disregulated.
Somatic: Having to do with your body and physical experiences.
Cognitive: Having to do with your mind and thoughts.
Phew that was a lot. As you learn, give yourself some grace. You wouldn’t expect to become fluent in Spanish overnight, and the same is true for learning to understand your feelings. Is there another term you’ve been wondering about that I didn’t cover? Leave it in the comments below.