It’s been a funky month. Likely some combination of the disruption of travel, restlessness, loneliness, and other ingredients I might not even be aware of. A persistent aimlessness as if there’s something I should be doing, somewhere else I should be.
It hasn’t been a very comfortable feeling. I think I had hoped that by now I would be all settled into San Francisco and working towards some long term goal. Well, I’m all settled in but I’m still not quite sure what I’m doing, exactly. What is this chapter of my life about? What is this all for?
I’m tired of being in transition. I miss having a big-picture vision and feeling like a part of something bigger than myself. I see my friends hitting traditional milestones and centering their lives around partners, kids, houses, corporate ladders, etc. I know those things aren’t right for me right now but I do envy their (supposed) certainty. I, too, would like to know what I’m building towards.
When I was journaling last week, I reflected that maybe the not knowing IS what this chapter is about. I keep wanting to rush through, to get past the discomfort and get to the REAL story. But what am I losing by discarding the in-between? Is there even a “real story” anyway, or is that just wishful thinking? What if I stopped trying so hard and just surrendered to the present moment?
Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. To me, it means accepting what already is. Despite my hopes and subconscious expectations, this is the state of my life right now. My life, despite being mine, has its own rhythm and flow. I know that if I just picked an arbitrary goal for the sake of having one, I wouldn’t be satisfied with that either. Why spend so much energy being willful?
So I practice letting go of the things I can’t control. I stop fighting myself and try to sit with the aimlessness. Hm yes, this is uncomfortable. At the same time, there is a certain relief in surrender. I don’t have to try so hard. I can focus that energy elsewhere, do the things I like and I know are good for me. I can rest and allow things to unfold. When I surrender in this way, I’m trusting that as long as I’m doing what I can, the right thing will emerge at the right time.
I just have to keep my eyes and heart open.
Take care,
Naomi
Announcements/Resources:
I have openings in my caseload for new individual clients. Sliding scale & superbills available.
Save the date! I’ve been invited back by Leadership Education for Asian Pacifics (LEAP) to facilitate a free community workshop on Wed May 21st on celebrating our cultural heritage.
Some recent delights:
It was pouring rain as I wrote this newsletter. What delight!
The Poetry of Everyday Life by Andrea Gibson. The first time I watched this performance of theirs I burst into tears.
Apparently, letting your mind wander during moderately engaging activities (showering, walking, etc.) leads to more creativity.